The Blessing of the Storm

I'm taking a few minutes - just a few - to spill out what is going through my head right now. A dangerous hurricane is bearing down on us right now. It didn't seem so serious to me until today. Oh, I felt some panic ... some fear ... but not really the gravity of all that had to be done to prepare and all the possible effects of it.

We are staying in our home. There is no mandatory evacuation for us, so we are getting ready to wait it out. In our particular area, the hope and expectation is that it won't be too bad, even though this is a terrible storm that has already killed hundreds. But it should stay off the coast an we are pretty far inland, so ....

Still there are preparations to make ... many things to do. Nothing can be left outside that can become airborne. This has been a difficult, timely work for us because we had a porch full of junk, and a garage even more full of junk. It has taken moving things around, fitting things in ... and a lot of it will be going to the curb next garbage day. Because of all the food supplies coming in, and the time off today, I've cleaned through the pantry, thrown out way outdated food, and so on. We're bleaching and cleaning out tubs, organizing stuff all over the house, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

And it hit me this afternoon: These things - cleaning, throwing things out, organizing, and more - are all things I should have been doing all along. I had severely neglected these things, but now, when life is out of control, when things are unpredictable, when they could get very, very bad - I feel like I have to get back to the way things should have been all along.

I've also begun praying again, reading my Bible again, refocusing my eyes on the One who holds the wind and rains ... who is bigger than the storms. I've been in a severe spiritual drought - one brought on by a crazy schedule and sustained because of my own apathy and poor choices. But now in the face of a disaster ... where else do I go? There is no other hope. Nothing else that will sustain. There is no one else who can protect me when I can't even protect myself.

I realized that there is blessing in a coming disaster. As you watch it on approach, as you see the devastation that it is bringing and remember times when other disasters have unleashed their worst on others, in the fear of what the unknown brings you begin to do the necessary things that you had quit doing. You focus on the people you love. You clean up things that have become cluttered and unattended. You recognize the places where you are helpless and you seek out the help you need.

And so, even before the worst hits, I am grateful for it ... for this coming disaster ... for this test of trust and faith. I am grateful for the way I will see God work, no matter the outcome. I am grateful that I know what my eternal future holds, even if I don't know what my immediate one does. I am grateful for the storm, which reminds me that my God is more powerful, more intense, more in control of all of this. And I pray that this lesson will not leave my focus quickly ... after the storm has passed.

Finding Hope in Failing

I failed.

After two weeks of pushing through my craving for a distraction from real life ... after talking myself out of sliding back into the familiar rut ... after reminding myself and reminding myself that He is worth it ...

... I failed and turned it on.

It seems like such a small, insignificant choice. It didn't hurt anyone ... didn't take away from anything. But if that is true ... why do I feel like such a failure?

I could make excuses. Actually, I had already been making excuses ... the kids were watching and I was just spending time with them. I was sick and couldn't do anything else. I needed to make use of that Netflix DVD I was paying for. Oh, the excuses could go on and on.

But the truth was that in that moment what I wanted was more important to me than what I had promised God I would give Him. That is what idols do: they compel us to choose them over God. And for me, entertainment is an idol, plain and simple. I created it. I carved it's hold into my life, Yet somehow this thing I made took over and now controls me.

But it doesn't have to, because in Christ I am FREE!!! I forgot that for a moment.

So I'm not quitting my vow just because I broke it. I'm not using it as an excuse to worship the one-eyed idol for just a little longer. Today it was back to what I promised to myself and my God.

And to hope. Because I am beginning to believe that hope is what lent is all about. Not failure. Not showing I can abide by law. Not checking something off my holiness list. It is about giving up something very hard to surrender, and learning that either I can do it with a lot of grace and obedience, or that I can fail and do it again through a lot of grace and obedience.

I'm currently reading through my Bible - another thing I've never managed to discipline myself to do all the way - and I'm surprised how this journey of Lent has been like the wanderings of the Israelites after they left Egypt. Like them, I have been enslaved, and I've experienced a little of the blessings of being free to use my time more productively. But free isn't the same as comfortable, in fact, freedom is kind of hard. And if you have been enslaved, freedom is unfamiliar and unpredictable. So like Israel, I've complained and wanted to go back to the captor. And for a moment, I did.

But unlike Israel, I don't really want to be there, and I know it. Deep inside I do want the adventure of freedom and of the plan God has for me. So I'll leave the slave-master again, Jesus paid a heavy price to secure my freedom, and I want to see what else He has in store for me. So today and tomorrow I move on ... without the idol or the excuses!

After all, looking at all I'm hoping to do and to attain before Easter comes, I have a lot of ground to cover!

When I Begin to Hear More Clearly...

February 19, 2016

I know I'm on the right track when I begin waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning with the Lord on my mind. It means my heart and mind are being renewed and He is becoming the focus of my thinking instead of me. This morning I woke up to this song by Todd Agnew. I think these words in the lyrics hit me hardest:

Shepherd, Your sheep are lostWe chased our wants that we thought were needsAnd now we can't get homeShepherd, Your sheep are longingWe ate and we ran and then we played and we danced, but we're emptyWe need to hear Your voiceWhatever You might sayWe just need to hear Your voiceShow us the way, won't You show us the way(second verse of "Shepherd," by Todd Agnew)

In just a few moments in my half-sleepy brain, my heart meditated on the cry of the song, prayed to the Lord for an answer to my continued feeling of separation, and got an answer:

Sin.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,whose sin is covered.Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,and in whose spirit there is no deceit. For when I kept silent, my bones wasted awaythrough my groaning all day long.For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;my strength was dried upfn as by the heat of summer. Selah I acknowledged my sin to you,and I did not cover my iniquity;I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah Therefore let everyone who is godlyoffer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;surely in the rush of great waters,they shall not reach him.You are a hiding place for me;you preserve me from trouble;you surround me with shouts of deliverance.                                               Psalm 32:1-7

I KNOW this! Sin is always the first place I should look when I feel like the Lord has moved away from me. It is always the first culprit to suspect when I feel the Lord's absence. (He is not really absent, my awareness of His presence is just dulled and blocked by my sin.) 

So I guess I have something to pursue with my free time this weekend: soul searching and confession. The "down-time" of the weekend my not move as slowly as I was worried about it being!

Two Days In ... What to Do?

February 17, 2016

I’ve stumbled through two days without screens now. It has been hard. I’ve made excuses to cheat a little, but the question comes into my mind each time: Is He worth it? And yes, He is. I know it even if I don’t feel it. I’ve given it up, but my hearts not into it yet. I’m praying I will get there.

To support my success, I’ve taken some steps. I’ve told my family what I’m doing. There’s nothing like knowing your kids are watching your every move to make you want to not mess it all up. I also messaged a group of friends asking for their prayer support and accountability. I was asked tonight what I thought of The Walking Dead …. I laughed and said, “I won’t know for a while.” But maybe I won’t ever know what I’m missing, because that’s one of the things I’m really wanting: to discover so many better and enjoyable ways to use my time that I don’t really want to pick the habit back up. After all, I’m not really abandoning idolatry if I just take a vacation that I return from, right?

For the last two days, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do to just kill time until sleep takes over. I haven’t really done anything productive yet … or refreshing … or relational. I folded some laundry piling up on my bed … and I searched through a pile of mail for my missing check card …. I’m not sure those things count for much though. I think I need a list of all the things I’d  like to do with spare time … seeing how I’m always saying I don’t have any … but I seem to have some on my hands now. And maybe a list of what I hope to see change in the next month and a half. I do feel  a little guilty that my purpose in all of this is to spend more time with Jesus – looking at Him, talking and listening to Him, just enjoying Him – and I haven’t done much of that either. But He IS worth this time … and I’m trusting in His grace in spite of my unfaithfulness and in His ability to woo the most faithless person. I guess sometime “pressing on toward the goal” first involves pushing to the point of wanting the goal.

Lord, please change my heart. You are big enough and powerful enough to do it! I want to love you more … really love you … audaciously love you! So create in me a clean heart that is desperate for you! Astonish my eyes, and the eyes of onlookers at how much you change me from the inside out!

To Share or Not to Share: the Danger of Going Public

February 16, 2016

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be sharing my Lenten sacrifice. I love the idea of practicing Lent, even though it has never been a commonly observed practice in the circles I’ve practiced my faith within. But I love the idea of focusing on Easter and on Jesus ultimate sacrificial expression of love by making a sacrifice myself in the days leading up to it. But I believe in practicing it quietly and privately so that I’m not prone to boasting or to trying to appear “spiritual.”

Not that either of those has ever been a real risk. My participation in Lent has not had a stellar track record. In the past, when I’ve even remembered that Lent was upon me, I’ve chosen something relatively painless – kind of a “token sacrifice.”

Well, OK. Not really a sacrifice at all.

I just didn’t want to fail. I wanted to be successful – to prove to myself and to Jesus that I love Him and am able to give Him something little. How discouraging it has been to realize, again and again, that I don’t even love Him enough to give up chocolate or sodas or some other little trinket.

So when I heard Him speaking to my heart to give up entertainment … something that I’ve become aware is HUGE for me … I did a bit of arguing with myself, and then with God. But a few nights ago, in the middle of the night, as my spirit continued to wrestle with this even while the rest of me tried to sleep a few thoughts hit me:

• If I am unable to give up little things, then there is NO WAY I can give up this big thing … so if I do, and I succeed … it is ALL GOD WHO ENABLED IT!
• With Lent falling right around Valentine’s Day this year, what better time is there to choose to love my Beloved? (I began my fast on Valentine’s Day.)
• If Jesus is worthy of my love, then He is worth something important to me … even if it shouldn’t be so important.

So here I am, doing something crazy … something radical … something audacious … for the One I want my heart to love the most!

And why am I doing it so publicly (because a blog is pretty public!)? I don’t want you to see how spiritual I am … because I’m really not. No, really. I’m not. Oh, I know a good bit about the Bible (that’s all been grace and providence, not me), and I have successfully clung to Jesus for more than 30 years (or more like, He’s clung to me!), but when God and I look through my heart, we both see pretty clearly that I am anything but spiritual. I want to love Him more than anything … but my heart clamors for too many other things … and I need that to change.

I’m also not doing this to boast. Let me be clear: if I succeed at this … WHEN God gives me success in this … it will be because HE has done something I could never have done. Remember, I can’t even go a couple days without chocolate. Only a real, loving, concerned God can enable me to do something this humongous!

So watch with me. I’m sure I’ll surprise us both my days of success and moments (or maybe also days) of failures. But maybe we will both get a glimpse of what living a holy life really looks like … in real life. I’m trusting God for this!

An Odd Lenten Sacrifice

February 15, 2016

I have been fighting God for a while. His call to me to give up my other love came years ago. It came with the benefits clearly laid out. There was no mistaking what He was asking me to do. I just didn’t want to give up my idol.

I tried to think ways around it. I could cut back … could just manage it more carefully … could limit the content. I would control it. I could keep it from controlling me. But isn’t that the irony of idol worship? Even though it is a false god of our own making … an excuse for us to rule our own lives so we don’t have to give all the control up to God … even though our idol is only a thing with no rule of its own, it still quickly takes over and rules and controls us.

God’s admonishment has been clear in my head. There is no cutting back on idol worship.  Idols are built on appetites, and appetites are only eliminated one way: by starving them. I could see it again and again in my recollections of the practice of God’s people – the only way to leave idol worship was to leave it completely. Any remnant of it would only drag them back into false worship. Only cleansing oneself and one’s life of it would restore him to God’s fellowship and blessings. Worship is all or not real.

The idols each person serves are different. After all, the things that our hands make to worship and serve can be as different as the hands that are making them. My most insidious one is any kind of mental escape – right now television and other forms of screen time, although fiction books can quickly take their place as well. Most people might discount these as harmless, maybe even wonder if I’ve gone a little too radical in my interpretation of idolatry. But God and I – we know my heart. For me, modes of escape are like alcohol to a functioning alcoholic. It seems OK to those on the outside, but inside I’m wasting away and losing my effectiveness and failing to live life to its fullest. TV has robbed me in the past years – of sleep, of productivity, of thinking, … and most of all of time with Jesus.

And that is what I want most … Jesus. Do I love Him enough to give up this thing? No, actually I don’t. It’s scary to admit that to myself … even scarier to admit it in print to an unknown world of readers. I know I don’t love Him enough … but I want to. And I do know He deserves to be loved that much. So this year, for Lent, I’m giving up screen time. And my hope is that at the end of 40 days, it will be so clear why it is worth it!