Finding Hope in Failing

I failed.

After two weeks of pushing through my craving for a distraction from real life ... after talking myself out of sliding back into the familiar rut ... after reminding myself and reminding myself that He is worth it ...

... I failed and turned it on.

It seems like such a small, insignificant choice. It didn't hurt anyone ... didn't take away from anything. But if that is true ... why do I feel like such a failure?

I could make excuses. Actually, I had already been making excuses ... the kids were watching and I was just spending time with them. I was sick and couldn't do anything else. I needed to make use of that Netflix DVD I was paying for. Oh, the excuses could go on and on.

But the truth was that in that moment what I wanted was more important to me than what I had promised God I would give Him. That is what idols do: they compel us to choose them over God. And for me, entertainment is an idol, plain and simple. I created it. I carved it's hold into my life, Yet somehow this thing I made took over and now controls me.

But it doesn't have to, because in Christ I am FREE!!! I forgot that for a moment.

So I'm not quitting my vow just because I broke it. I'm not using it as an excuse to worship the one-eyed idol for just a little longer. Today it was back to what I promised to myself and my God.

And to hope. Because I am beginning to believe that hope is what lent is all about. Not failure. Not showing I can abide by law. Not checking something off my holiness list. It is about giving up something very hard to surrender, and learning that either I can do it with a lot of grace and obedience, or that I can fail and do it again through a lot of grace and obedience.

I'm currently reading through my Bible - another thing I've never managed to discipline myself to do all the way - and I'm surprised how this journey of Lent has been like the wanderings of the Israelites after they left Egypt. Like them, I have been enslaved, and I've experienced a little of the blessings of being free to use my time more productively. But free isn't the same as comfortable, in fact, freedom is kind of hard. And if you have been enslaved, freedom is unfamiliar and unpredictable. So like Israel, I've complained and wanted to go back to the captor. And for a moment, I did.

But unlike Israel, I don't really want to be there, and I know it. Deep inside I do want the adventure of freedom and of the plan God has for me. So I'll leave the slave-master again, Jesus paid a heavy price to secure my freedom, and I want to see what else He has in store for me. So today and tomorrow I move on ... without the idol or the excuses!

After all, looking at all I'm hoping to do and to attain before Easter comes, I have a lot of ground to cover!